Say Parents Who Don't Want to Look Stupid
Source: The Washington Post
In an effort to turn around public perception of the quality of teaching in public schools, Fairfax County has turned to a new tactic - confusing the fuck out of parents.
"With some trepidation we undertook exploratory measures to temporarily perturbate the discursive facilities of the progenitors-slash-guardians at the critical junctures of criticism - when they see report cards," said a Fairfax County Spokesperson.
The new 41-page kindergarten report card has foregone the traditional stuff like "sometimes" and "tries hard" and "kinda good" in favor of a vocabulary that officials say better reflects the most important elements of learning at this early stage. "It also just plain shuts them up," said an official who requested anonymity.
Don Hutzel, principal of Churchill Road Elementary in McLean, which also used the new report card last year, said he got "very little negative feedback" about it.
Many parents express enthusiasm for the new system. Said Donny Mackle, "when I read that my Dyllann was an [sic] 'not an emergent sesquipedalian,' but was 'a primary force for general chickanery,' I almost cried in joy. I was so happy our schools have finally begun turning around. I told my son, that's great, er, super..super...fluous!"
Parental opinion is not completely unanimous, but the end results seem to be the same.
One parent, who requested anonymity, told us "I saw Jennifer's - er, my daughter's report card, and I just gave up after page 3. I sat down and cried. I don't know why. I just did. I lost all will to ever show up at PTA again." Then she started to cry again.
"It took me a long time to decipher it," said Diane Brody, president of the Fairfax County Council of PTAs. "It's going to be way over many people's heads."
County officials plan to expand the program next year. Said one official, "it will be a cornicopia of capricious condescension of gargantuous proportions"